I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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