My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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