College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
