i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Houston, we have a squirter
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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