This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
