are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
