We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Princesses don't give blow jobs
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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