Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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