I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
