1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Text me some of your sweat
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
