I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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