My first STD was from a foam party
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
