Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
