I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
