I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
