pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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