i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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