I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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