shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
