I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
