ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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