we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
