you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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