I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
