It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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