You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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