GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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