I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
