i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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