Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
