I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize