So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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