no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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