hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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