The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
