Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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