lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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