Moan for me like Helen Keller
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
