I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
