Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
