i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The struggles of a small town man whore
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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