hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
