yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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