anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Randomize
