there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
