My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
