i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
