My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
of course. lets lasso hookers.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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