Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
