I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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