I didn't shave. On purpose
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
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