She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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