I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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