3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
