Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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