i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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