For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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