tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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