and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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