But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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