Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize