Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
