wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
